Plot: Rather than accept a demotion due to alcoholism (which he vehemently denies he has, despite it being the truth), mid level CIA analyst Osborne Cox, whose latest assignment was the Balkans desk, decides to quit. With all his free time, he decides he's going to write an explosive memoir of his CIA life to get back at his former employers. He may or may not be aware that his work is not the only problematic issue in his life as his pediatrician wife Katie Cox is having an affair with Harry Pfarrer, a marshal with the US Treasury. Harry and his children's book author wife Sandy Pfarrer are so called friends with Ozzy and Katie, who each individually bitch about the other couple behind their backs. Harry and Katie have stated to each other that they are committed to each other and would be married if it wasn't for their spouses. Little does Katie know that Harry is being unfaithful not only with her but a plethora of other women, most of who he meets on the Internet. In addition, paranoid Harry can't help feel that he's being followed. Meanwhile, the talk among the staff at Hardbodies Gym is Linda Litzke, one of their own. Middle aged Linda is determined to reinvent herself, including having a multitude of cosmetic procedures, all in an effort to make herself feel better about herself and attract a man into her life. Her primary approach to meet men is online dating sites, she in the process being oblivious to the fact that her boss, Ted Treffon, the gym's owner, is in love with her. A further problem for Linda is that the gym's extended health benefits program does not cover what would otherwise be these very expensive cosmetic procedures. The already complicated lives of these two groups of people intersect and become even more complicated when a CD containing what looks to be classified government information is found in the women's change room of the gym. Linda and her best friend at the gym, the slightly dim Chad Feldheimer, one of the trainers, learn that the information "belongs" to Ozzy (it being his memoirs). They believe the CD is a good opportunity to earn a little money - for Linda, for her much wanted cosmetic surgeries - if not from Ozzy, than from anyone who will pay for it, including other governments such as the Russians.
Alternative Plot: When a disc containing memoirs of a former CIA analyst (John Malkovich) falls into the hands of Linda Litzke (Frances McDormand) and Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt), the two gym employees see a chance to make enough money for her to have life-changing cosmetic surgery. Predictably, events whirl out of control for the duo doofuses and those in their orbit.
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